As a former/sometimes-alt-comedian, I know my way around a frickinâ PowerPoint. When I was performing regularly I absolutely spent more time compiling perfectly timed, animated, and designed slides than I did actually on stage.
One of my fave fallbacks (âgimmicksâ if you will ((âhackeryâ also works))) was forcing the audience to take a ridiculous quiz. Quizzes are an excellent comedic device. Thereâs a natural build towards a punchline! An element of surprise! Easy implementation of the rule of threes! Folks, listen to me â if you want to be a comedian, forget about open mics. Take the SATs (ultimately, a very long quiz) as many times as possible.
Iâve read a lot of reaaaaaaaally good books this summer, and I wanted a fun way to recommend the perfect book for your next (imagined, real, transcendental) beach trip. SooooooooâŚ.. you knowâŚ.
*ahem*
QUIZ: Whatâs your next ~*~BeAcH rEaD~*~?
All books featured in this quiz are 5/5 stars. No spoilers were unveiled in the creation of this quiz. All jokes are just for the lols. Restrictions apply. Check with a parent before playing. Also, keep track of how many times you pick A, B, C, and D. Drink responsibly.
Question 1:
Riiiing riiiing! Wake up, girly pop! Itâs a beautiful August morning, exactly one quarter of Canada is on fire, and your tummy hurts sooooo bad. You know what that means! Itâs summer! And weâre headed to the beach. Who do you wanna bring?
a) Omg, duh, my entourage of gal pals who all agree: Iâm problematic!
b) The still-beating heart of a man I spied through a fogged window
c) My dad. AndâŚuh, that guy.
d) My fiance because Iâm normal
Question 2:
All packed and ready to go!!!!!!!! Time to cruise down the highway to our favorite tunes! Aux cordâs all yours, babe. What song do you pick?
a) The one thatâs like, âIâm a bitch, Iâm a lover, Iâm a mother, Iâm a sinner, Iâm a saintâ and everyone thinks itâs a joke. But itâs not. Itâs not a joke at all. Iâm crying and if anyone notices, Iâll scream.
b) Pipe organ
c) Eurodance. Full volume. Cigarette smoke. Black coffee. No regrets.
d) Something normal. Maybe like, guitar song? Ha ha. Yeah, maybe something with my⌠name in it? Idk, haha. Just an idea. Anyway. Iâm so stupid. IâmâŚâŚâŚâŚâŚ so stupid.
Question 3:
We made it to the beach in record time! But, oh no, now your tummy is hurting more than ever before. A quick google reveals an unnerving fact: youâre hungry! Snacktime is a must. We pull over at Wawa. What snack do you grab?
a) Diet coke and then waste fifteen minutes deciding between a fruit salad and a bag of pizza Combos
b) Something fortifying and easy on the stomach. A travelerâs feast, me thinks. A noshing that leaves me strong and resolute.
c) cigarette
d) Fudge rounds and when someone says âhaha fudge rounds, huh?â I go âI donât get itâ but I do. I get it. Itâs a butthole joke, Steven. You think Iâve lost touch with myself so badly, I donât recognize a butthole joke when I hear one? Grow up. And get the hell out of my office.
Question 4:
Yum, yum! Youâre feeling so full and ready to swim! But waitâ how could it be?! Itâs August and thereâs snow on the beach. ThatâsâŚ
a) Weird but fucking beautiful
b) An omen, surely. Quick, fetch my trunk. We must pen an urgent letter at once. No, not to the constable! Iâll be writing to my husband, obviously.
c) *stares into the depths of the storm*
d) Awful? Hellish? Literally, I hate this. Summer is summer. Snow is not summer!!!!!Or whatever. Itâs fine. IâmâŚâŚâŚfine.
Question 5:
The snow stops and sky clears! Yay! Finally, we can swim. The day passes in a blur of sunshine, sand, unfettered joy, and sips of your favorite beverage. As the sun sets, you realize you havenât taken a single picture! Quick, snap a shot. What do you take a picture of?
a) The silhouette of the greatest love I have ever known back lit by the marigold sun. Obviously. God.
b) foot wound
c) Father. OrâŚmaybeâŚâŚâŚâŚ.,âŚâŚâŚmother?
d) The collection of sea shells Iâve been meticulously collecting through out the day. Theyâre all perfect.
The Results Are In
If you pickedâŚ
Mostly As
Youâre a bad bitch with a heart of gold! Sure, maybe a little misunderstoodâbut being complicated is sexy. Choosing between fruit salad and pizza Combos is sexy. Your day at the beach is glamorous, moody, and unbearably hot, just like Ava Wilderâs latest fire-emoji, pepper-emoji, hundred-emoji romance WILL THEY OR WONâT THEY.
Mostly Bs
Strange and alluring, you bewitch everyone around you with your delightfully macabre point of view. Your day at the beach is haunting and enchanting, romantic and heart-stoppingly thrilling, just like Caitlin Starlingâs THE DEATH OF JANE LAWRENCE.
Mostly Cs
Ceci nâest pas une pipe - ceci est un epic chase across North America. Somehow both cozy and hostile, like the winter cold in Montreal, your beach day pairs perfectly with Emily St. John Mandelâs pacey literary/psychological thriller LAST NIGHT IN MONTREAL.
Mostly Ds
Sure, youâre a little uptight but thatâs only because youâve been through a lot. But as soon as your toes touch the shoreline, you remember who you were all those years ago: light, free, and ready to fall. Your beach day is the perfect balance of personal growth and delicious humor, just like Annabel Monaghanâs latest swoony romance SAME TIME NEXT SUMMER.
Happy reading everyone! <3
Bad Writing Tip #?5?
Learn a second language!
Itâll give you an incredible amount of appreciation for the one you already know. Every time you feel bad about what youâve written, youâll get to stop and think â what if I had to do this in French? It would just be a story about how a chat noir has un petite nez and is always sommeil.
Hold on now. Wait a secondâŚ
Oh, by the wayâŚ
Iâm having so much fun writing my silly little newsletter. Thank you for reading, and please share this with someone who loves to read at the beach <3
OH, and make sure you tell me in the comments what book youâre reading next!
wow i got my own book, i love science!!!
"a chat noir has un petite nez and is always sommeil" reads a lot like my high school french essays